Yes, it's 3:00 a.m. It's true I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind, but mostly that tomorrow, February 3, would have been Cody's 29th birthday.
Not long after he passed away I started trying to wrap my brain around how I would cope with all the "firsts" this year. I stopped trying to wrap my brain around any of it when we spent our first Thanksgiving without him. I'm just coping with the "firsts" as they come. You can't really plan for any of it. I had an earlier blog post about Cody and "firsts" here. I cried reading that again. It's certainly bittersweet now. *sigh*
Christmas was rough. Very rough. I got through it by not putting a lot of extra pressure on myself and allowed it to just be whatever it was going to be. Whatever I felt like doing. Whatever Troy felt like doing. Or not doing. I made an effort, albeit slightly pathetic, for the sake of Troy, the kids and my grandson. It was quiet, but pretty much just what I needed. I think individually we did what we wanted while allowing the others to do what THEY wanted and needed to do. It worked. But I'm glad it's over.
What I did not expect was any emotion with New Year's. I had a meltdown on the way home from work as I realized 2017 would be the first full calendar year my son would not be alive. For any of it. It was a pretty hard gut punch.
And now I'm facing the first birthday without him. The 29th birthday that he will not be here for. The first February 3 in 29 years that I don't have to sit and figure out what special thing to gift him with. Last year I sent him money because he wanted new glasses. He was my practical child, always asking for things he needed. Drove me crazy most of the time because I like birthdays to be fun and frivolous. "Mam, I don't need any of that crap!" I ignored him most of the time and got frivolous things to go with the practical things.
So you may be asking yourself what, exactly, are my plans for tomorrow? This day that was normally set aside to celebrate? Well, we are still celebrating. In an enormously big way. More frivolous than Cody could have ever imagined.
The grand opening of the restaurant is tomorrow. It's been a long, drawn out process full of emotions but we are finally here. CAP's Pizza and Tap House is FINALLY here! We had a soft open on January 20 and if that weekend is any indication of what will happen tomorrow? Well, let's just say it will be the biggest birthday party Cody has ever had. I would say I'm sorry that he won't be there for it, but I believe he will be there. He is everywhere in the restaurant. From the name (CAP's - Cody Allen Pryor), to the logo (subtle skateboard reference), to the names of some of our signature pizzas (the "Coden" and the "Destroyer"). So, yes, he will be there.
Besides, Cody was never one to miss out on a good party.
Happy Birthday, Cody! I miss you every. single. day. But tomorrow? We celebrate!