It seems like I wrote about celebrating the first birthday without Cody yesterday. I just finished rereading it and as tears stream down my face I can't help but think about how different every February 3 will be from now on. A celebration, yes. But a celebration of the life already lived and not the life left to live. I also shed some tears for the mom who wrote that a year ago. She sounds like she was in a much different place than today. More sadness. More despair. Less hope. It was, strangely enough, a bit peaceful.
As I move further and further away in time from July 3, 2016 I find the smiles come easier. There are things to laugh about again. Things to look forward to and hope for. But there are other factors that start coming in to play in this grief journey. A journey that, quite frankly, sucks with all the hit-by-a-brick moments that launch me in to more reality that my son is no longer here but life continues.
Cody would have turned 30 tomorrow. A new decade. A decade that he will not be here for. A birthday that I may have purchased a cane, adult diapers and denture cream as a gift along with something practical. A birthday that we would have, no doubt, celebrated with gusto and fanfare. And as I see posts from his friends and others on Facebook talking about turning 30 it makes my heart hurt. But not quite as much as my heart hurts thinking about how my middle child will turn 28 this year.
Cody died when he was 28.
And why should that matter? Nathan needs to be celebrated and lifted up and talked about because I'm so very proud of him.Why can't I just celebrate Nathan turning 28 without relating/comparing/thinking about Cody never being older than 28? Because, grief.
And I'm sure it will hit hard again in 2 years when my youngest turns 28. Or not. Grief is unpredictable so who knows what will happen to me on February 3, 2020....when Lindsay turns 28 and Nathan turns 30. 30. The number that is hitting me so hard this year.
Stupid grief. So tired of it hanging around. *sigh*
I've written before about God's timing being perfect in every way and February 3 is no exception. After all the physical/mental/emotional work we were finally able to open the restaurant last year. The timing of being able to have our Grand Opening on Cody's birthday is still not lost on me. I truly believe it was God's perfectly timed gift for this grieving mom. A way for me to remember and celebrate the life Cody lived on the very day set aside just for him when he was still here. A day to continue celebrating instead of thinking about what I've lost. What we all lost. Who we lost.
So tomorrow on the day that we would have celebrated turning 30, we instead celebrate turning 1, a number that represents youth and joy and hope for the future. 1 year behind us with many ahead of us. 1 year of hosting parties and celebrations and first dates and family holiday dinners. 1 year of smiles and laughs and love.
Happy Birthday, Cody. CAP's is turning 1! Here's to 29 more.
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